So you'd think I'd be bummed out, but I'm not. Today I am so acutely aware of all that I have to be thankful for. I know there will be other family turkey dinners, but the flavour of this gratefulness today won't return - I need to get it out. Guess I'm a blogger now. :)
Twenty years ago, steeped in depression and confusion, I had no vision that I could be this fulfilled, this at peace with myself and my spirituality, this loved. I only knew that I had to get through the next minute, the next hour, the next segment of time, battling the debilitating voices of guilt and isolation. Today my heart is full of the future I have with my family and a career that is my vocation, my calling. Today I make a list of all that Sylvia Ruth Woodyard is thankful for, at age 45. It is:
- My mother, who has loved me tenaciously. My Mom, whom I adore. I cannot tell you how I admire Elly's grace, her graciousness, her courage to love me in the way she knew was right despite the voices around her that told her she was wrong. She is sweet, funny, wise, sensitive and, it must be said, so very cute. She is my mother, and one of my best friends. What a privilege to say this.
- My Dad. It's no secret we clashed constantly and caused each other so much grief. But he saw and believed in my abilities in ways that helped me survive. Without his career and intellectual encouragement, I don't think I would have pursued the education and the jobs that I have had, which have kept me grounded in insane moments of my life. Thank you, Daddy.
- My wife, Dawn Michelle. She is my inspiration to dig deeper, to laugh more, to not take myself so seriously, to see issues more rationally. We have walked through so much together. I am so grateful to be living in the present and building our future together. I am thankful that we never tire of each other, that our values match, that we encourage each other's individuality. We are each other's biggest fans. We have vision for a life that is lifegiving to each other, our boys and others. Words on a screen can't describe the depth of appreciation I have of her and joy she brings me. I love her.
- Calvin and Nolan. The struggle to figure out my role in their lives as step-mom and what that means has been so worth it. Watching them grow up the last 10 years is one of the greatest joys of my life. I don't just love them, I like them. A lot.
- Family of choice. I am thankful that I have grasped the concept that sometimes experiences and unconditional love are thicker than blood.
- My nieces and nephews. Catherine, Jon, Mark, Jeff, Joanna, Julia, David, Curtis, Natalie, Michaela, Andrew, Toran. You guys are never far from my thoughts. Each of you have enriched my life in your own ways. While I still grieve the distance that was created between me and some of you, I love you so much and am thankful for the ways we have stayed in contact (yay Facebook). I only hope this grows and hope you know our door is always open to you. Toran, you are so special and funny and bright. You're going to be an awesome big brother.
- My career. I get to go to work every day, interact with brilliant, fun colleagues and thoughtful, unique, bright earnest students. Every day, I learn something new from the experience.
- Those people whom I don't see very much anymore, or at all, due to distance, life and other reasons. I am so grateful for seeing a bright future for me when I couldn't. For walking with me when it was so difficult. For expressing God's love when I was so weighted by pain that my own ability to independently sense it felt irretrievable. I will be eternally grateful for you and can only hope for the day when I get to offer you something in return.
- My animals. Roxy and Henry and Nicholas have made me laugh and *care*. They have built bridges for me. They have contributed to cultivating in our boys empathy and joy.
- Some lessons learned along the way:
- The aging process is like scaffolding; I take what I have experienced and learned and create more of my structure.
- Darkness doesn't last forever. Grief always gives ways to moments of joy.
- God is okay with not being defined by humankind's limited definitions, even Biblical.
- The Bible is to be respected as a commentary of its time, as offerings of ideals within the context of many considerations. It has been disrespected and used to instill fear and to enforce power structures and to marginalize for too long. I am thankful for its inspiration, and thankful for putting its messages in perspective, as well.
- My identity is not contingent on a label. Wife ... instructor .... lesbian .... daughter ... sister ... aunt ... stepmother ... Christian .... ex-gay .... ex-ex-gay ... masters student ... the 'other woman' ... depressed ... fibromyalgic - each of these, positive or negative, are but one aspect or element of my experience. I am thankful I have analysed and understand each as best I can, letting go of that which is enslaving and cultivating that which is lifegiving, loving and healthy. Thanks be to God.
- Even the darkest moments have humour.
- I can say 'no' at my discretion.
- Life is full of surprises in the most unexpected places. (I LOVE that about life!)
- We don't have to agree on everything to be in relationship.
- I need to get outdoors every day.
- I need to write.
- There is so much left to learn. The addage "The more I learn the more I realize I don't know" is so true for me. I love that about life, too.
I could go on. And I will. I am thrilled to finally begin this. And I'm thankful to start it on thanksgiving. I will spend this day turkey-less, but deeply, deeply grateful.
